| Well Then, I Return Only to be the Only One |
[Apr. 18th, 2007|02:59 pm] |
I'm back on livejournal and I am currantly finding out that no one is on it anymore. I guess this is a good time to tell everyone that I'm no in California and I never was. Where do I start to explain? Well, for starters, my car was in the shop for a month, I figured it was the perfect tool to take my mental vacation from all my loved ones. You know, time to accually think about yourself for once, but at the same time think of what kind of impact everyone has made on you. The only way I could pull of the whole "disappearing w/out accually being gone" thing is if everyone in my life really thought I was gone. So I didn't talk to anyone for awhile and then I sent a text to everyone in my phone saying "Just Got To Cali, Bye Hunz". Here I was doing my usual shift of work w/ grandma's car wondering, will they miss me? Oh yes, they did. Everyone responded, 3 ex girlfriends called me, and even Andy from e2e called me and he sounded pretty fucking down about the whole thing. Wow, I was truely gone to everyone and some even hated me for it.
But I "came back" and I'm now living w/ Blue and Crow in Leominster. Shit is hitting constant fans and it is pissing me off. Blue just found out she has pancriatic cancer and there is nothing they can do about it. She has no estimate on her life span, but it still says I'm eventually gonna lose another best friend. Speaking of that, Dan has no idea what he got himself into w/ Gina. I constantly have to keep telling him how dangerous she is for him and he won't fucking listen. She's even going as far as to telling everyone that their breakup was a scam and he was her mole, as a way to turn us against him. For fucksake, I want my best friend back and I really think he's pretty much gone because of that cunt. Tory and I had a long talk w/ him about it and I'm begining agree w/ Tory when he says that everything we say to him about her goes in one ear and out the other. She took his virginity and popped his mind cherry full forced and now he has no idea who his real friends are. Pretty much, the rest of us from Unspoken Hero are gonna move on w/out him for the time being. We're not gonna change our name because I told the guys that Dan has alot of shit to work out and when he feels like it's all good again, he can join back and everything will be perfect.
And worse of all I'm falling in love w/ Wendy all fucking over again. I thought I was doing fine in not thinking of her that way but somewhere between finding out that the nice guy I backed off for was a true fuckstain, having her spend 3 nights in my arms, and her telling Blue that she has feelings for me, I turned back around and now I can't remember what it's like to just go w/ what painful feelings you have for someone. This has happened to both me and Salina and her and I are wonder what the fuck happened to us. But as far as I know, her and Fred are happy and I very happy for them.
Feel free to hate me for whatever has been said in this entry, but I have no regrets for what was done. I've learned alot over the past month.
I Luvs All,
Laters.
Zack |
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| Time for a New Life... Where Do I Start? |
[Feb. 10th, 2007|12:47 pm] |
I finally started talking to Alice Wills again. I was outside at school having a smoke and she was getting her finacial aid papers. Later on I went to her house, we had one of our little bickers and she punched me in the face leaving a dent in my cheek bone and a twitch in my eye (just like the good ol' fucking days). But I still went back to her house after karaoke. I know it sounds stupid of me, but the fact is, I really needed her help. I had a bad feeling that a guy named Jason, who was involved w/ Stephanie's murder, was seeing Wendy. I didn't know for sure, but he had the same name, looked like him, and had the same pushy personality that I always hated. Seeing as I can never find Sharron when I need her, the only person I could turn to was Alice.
A few weeks went buy, Alice and I trying to figure out how we could tell if it was the Jason we thought it was, even though Wendy had finally cut ties with him. But last week I was at karaoke with everyone and I got a phone call from Alice. She said she ran into Sharron that day, and because she cared about me, she had to ask her about Jason. Sharron said we didn't have to worry about it. In November, he followed her to Connetticut and when she got out of her car, he shot himself in front of her.
So much was racing through my head that night. 1. I couldn't believe if this man was really that insane, I didn't act sooner when I thought her was going near someone I really cared about. 2. I can't believe I got Alice involved in this, she has a son to live for 3. Thank god they're all ok. But Wendy did call me, and I told her everything. Thankfully she didn't hate me after.
The next day, I got a call from Alice. She said she got accepted to Tuffs University and she was going to move into her friend's apartment in Boston. I took her out to breakfast and dinner. I figured she's getting the fuck out of my life, the least I can do is buy her a few meals.
Pretty much, I'm starting a brand new life. No one is out to kill me anymore, and Alice is going to live a life where she don't feel like she needs me. 7 years and something like this comes. I decided to start by letting go of Wendy. I know I love her, but I think someone else could do better for her. I told Andy, I totally support the 2 of you together, I couldn't be happy for her w/ Jason, but I know I can if she's seeing you.
I'm still not going to be in any relationships, I still have my heart for Stephanie, but I can't keep commiting to something I can't have. I want the hurt to go away, so I'll do what I'll do. |
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| I'm Sure You'll Enjoy My Story |
[Jan. 16th, 2007|01:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  embarrassed | ] |
Yea, I just got back from the Bahamas. What a drunken trip that was. Go figure on the first day of being on the ship, some Slovakian chick who worked on the boat pulls me into a closet and gives me a freakin BJ. But I met some really cool people from Vancuver. I drank alot with them and they were all really chill. Kinda funny though, I was talking to one of them, her name was Katie and she was 25 years old and a 3rd grade teacher. I could tell right away before we officially met that she dug me. I thought it was just because she met me at this lil game called "Name That Tune" on the boat, but it turned out she saw me sing at karaoke and she was hooked on me. Well, we got drunk one night on the cruise, and decided to go back to her room. She decides to take a shower first, so while she's in there, I'm all drunk and excited because I'm about to sleep w/ a 3rd grade teacher! So I got myself bare-assed, got the lights ready and......... passed out on her bed. JUST FUCKING PICTURE HER THOUGHT PROCESS HERE!!! She's shit faced, taking a shower and mentally summing up her day, dries off, still drunk, and sees ME BARE-ASSED FACE FIRST IN THE PILLOWS PASSED OUT ON HER BED!!! So I wake up about 2 hours later and she's passed out on top of me. I had an excurtion in the morning so I had to go back to my room. When I woke up I was still shit faced for my excurtion. I should prolly mention that this excurtion was SNORKLING!!! So, I'm drunk, in the ocean, choking on salt water for a few minutes, and then as soon as I get used to using the snorkle and goggles, I passed out in the ocean 'cause I'm still drunk. THANK GOD FOR THE LIFE VEST!!! When I came too (w/ my face in the ocean and breathing out a snorkle) I look down and see a coral reef. Then I look over and see what looks like a sting ray. I emidiately thought of what happened to Steve Irwin, and people on the boat could here me saying through the snorkle "FUCK THIS!" and I swam my ass back to the boat. Way to sober up in the morning, huh? |
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| yea, a copy and paste from myspace |
[Jan. 16th, 2007|01:43 pm] |
So, this may suprise you, but I'v been constantly thinking about constant shit. Luckily it has nothing to do with the last blog, everything is all good in that area. But it's all about the present. I've come to the conclusion that I'm 19, I deliver pizza, play in an incomplete band, and have the shallow dream to move out to L.A and become something I want to be. The worse part is I fucking love it compared to what I could be.
Ever since my Dad admitted to cheating on my stepmother, I've noticed him getting kicked out of the house EVERY week (as opposed to twice a month, like it usually goes). So due to that, I see the fucktard every day, and I can only take him in small doces. I usually go about a month w/out seeing him and then we have a pretty good conversation or so and things are great (except his life). But now that I see him constantly, I realize how much I really can't stand him.
I know I like to drink, but I really couldn't do it every day. I know I'll get sick of it for one thing, but it's just stupid to do that every fucking day. And when he drinks, he decides it's time to tell me that I'm gonna be just like him. But let's face it, I refuse to work construction because he that's what he does. I don't smoke pot, because he does.I broke up w/ Alice Wills because I don't want to be stuck in a relationship w/ a case, because that's what he keeps doing w/ Jen. Shit, my junior year of high school, I vowed to go an entire year w/out a sip of alcohol, just to show I can stop drinking if I ever had to. I swear to God, there have been so many times inwhich I would ask him for advise on something, and then I'd do the exact opposite just to keep from being like him.
I just love how he tries to bust my balls for being a delivery guy at 19, because it gives me all the freedom to tell him that he's 39 and he has no licence, still lives w/ his parents when he gets kicked out, still smokes pot, and has to call his oldest SON to come pick him up from the fucking pub! One thing that I do keep that I got from him is the fact that music is my life. But I'm not gonna give it all up the way he did.
Which brings me to more. I'm afraid of college. Not only am I afraid that I'm gonna start smoking again, but even if I do good in school, I don't feel like I'm doing it for myself at all. I'm just going to Shut everyone Up. The kind of life I dream to live is not ideal to everyone, it's not like you can major in being a rock star or screenwriter, and get a degree in it, so it looks stupid to the adults who come up and say "So, how's life? You going to college?... Oh" **makes jerkoff movement w/ hand** . At least in L.A if you say that's what you want to do, the can't exactly say "Well you're from L.A, you can't do that in L.A". Even though I've met people this year that I care about beyond belief, I can't stand to be here any longer. I'm still young, I gotta live while I can. |
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| Sometimes Life Hits You w/ A Brick, Sometimes It's A Bullet |
[Dec. 5th, 2006|05:41 pm] |
It's pretty much all over here. I have no band, so there goes my music. Just when I let my guard down and decide to fall for someone, I find out that she's as stubborn as I am when it comes to loving someone. There's no way in hell I'm gonna be a pizza guys for the rest of my life. Pretty much I've made my decision, I'm not gonna sit here and settle for a life I know I'm not happy with. I'm gonna save my money and go to California myself.
Don't fucking try to talk me out of it, Wendy already fucking tried it and she's not doing shit to stop me. I've had enough women lie to me, and I've also had enough women tell me they don't feel a certain way. So obviously, I can tell if they're lieing when they say they don't feel a certain way! At this point, I've given up way too much for her, and not once has it been worth it to me. By falling for her, I've pretty much given up who I am. By all the ways she begs me to stay, I knew how she felt, because I know how I felt and I'd be the same way. But more than anything, it was the kiss we had on saturday. We had a long argument that is too long of a story that I'd have to make another entry, but i got a hotel on saturday because i had a long walk (long story), and I told her to come by if she wanted to talk about it. We talked about how we felt about our scenario and how she felt about me leaving. After about a half hour of whiping the tears off her face, I told her I had to kiss her. I wanted to know if I was gonna be kissing her or if I was just gonna be kissing another woman who wasn't Stephanie enough for me, like every other kiss I've had these past 7 years. Sure enough, I was right. All I felt was Wendy and the feelings Wendy gave me. I just know that there was more on the otherside of that kiss and she's never gonna say so. So here I am, in love w/ a woman who's letting me slip away.
Soon as I got home, I sent a message to Tanya Bettincourt telling her that I would love to buy an hour long massage from her, because I highly admire her ambition to move out to LA w/ no distraction. She gave me alot of info about how she's doing it, and at first she was making excuses for why she couldn't make me an appointment, 'cause our date a few months ago didn't go so well (w/ her being a celebrity and all). But after I switched my charm on abit, there was suddenly space right in her house for my massage. I'm gonna help her get to LA first, and then we're gonna keep in touch so that she can take a look what I can do for a job and where I can live, and how I can achieve all the goals I need. I love the guys from E2E, but the fact is, I just can't wait for them anymore. I dropped out of college to go on tour w/ them and nothing happened. I gotta do it myself.
So that's the story. I know i love Wendy, but she's not gonna motivate me to stay. And I've said it before, I'll say it again: I'm just too weird for a normal life. |
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| My Fucking Mind Cherry Will Never Grow Back!!! |
[Nov. 15th, 2006|11:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
I guess things went ary just in time. I thought I was gonna go away forever and forget everyone and everything on Thursday, but all of Wendy's sweet little guilt trips made me change my mind. And just in time, because on thursday, my boss had a heart attack and got rushed to the hospital. Needless to say I wasn't gonna leave town if the owner of my resturant wasn't gonna be around.
So here comes the lately. Wendy and I are just friends. That was my entire intention since the day I met her. But that does not mean I support her being in a relationship with a guy who was shipped to Iraq 2 weeks after they started dating. And on top of that, he will come home when his 6 months are up, and then he has to go back in August. She barely knows him, she'll hardly see him, yet she waits as she goes on about how she can never handle a relationship in general since she had her son.
I've been hanging out with Wendy since September, and sure, she's a goddamn knock-out, but I had no problem being friends. But then I tell her about how I'm about to leave town. First it's fine, we chill, and I stayed over her house for the night. Then for the rest of the day, I kept dreaming and thinking about her. I go to her house that night, we write some songs and it hits me- I'm not gonna see her for a pretty fucking long time. I didn't tell her what was on my mind, I just asked her to drive me back to my car @ Denny's, so I could call it a night without any emotions what so ever.
BUT NOOOOOOOOOO! The entire car ride she starts telling me how much I mean to her and I just sit there thinking she's full of shit, 'cause a beautiful girl telling me this shit is like science fiction. So I caved and decided to buy her dinner at Denny's. The rest of the night, same thing. Even says quote "I'm making a bigger deal about you leaving than I did when Alan went to Iraq".
Next night, I have my lil going away karaoke night at The Compound, and we spend the rest of the night talking about how we feel about eachother and the next day, I DON'T LEAVE!!!
Man, did I look like a jackass showing up at karaoke last night. But in a nutshell, Wendy is doing what all women do best. And I'll tell ya, I'm starting to think my brain is knocked up from being mindfucked so hard!!! |
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| 23rd |
[Oct. 26th, 2006|06:00 pm] |
I haven't had an October 23rd that I could call a good day since 1998. But Monday was a damn good night. Thankfully no one tryed to call me to see if I was alright. Over the years I've gotten sick of people thinking that I always spend that day being suicidal. I'll never forget senior year of high school when Rj accually called my house and ask my Ma if I was still alive.
If you know me at all, you know that I'm far from being sucidal. I just take a day to not exist to the people I see everyday, and just think of the years gone by, and how they would have been if things were different. Then at the end of the day, I come to realization of who I am and go on. Of course having an aniversery of Stephanie and Shelly's loss can put me in a melancholy mood, but meeting Stephanie made me stronger than you could ever believe. Amazing what love can do for someone.
Monday started off with me driving from Fitchburg, MA to Keene, NH. Of course I pretty much had a movie in my head of how things would have been if they were different. When I got to Keene, I went to Twilight Tattoos and finished up the Chavein's Rose Memorial by adding the words "As I Do, As I Shall", those were the last words of "Sharp Leaves of the Wind" which was a song written by Red Eagle (hence the old band name: Red Eagle's Tune). He speaks of where one goes from their state after everything wrong is set right : "Love You As I Do, Move On As I Shall".
From Keene, I drove to Bedford for the Escape to Everything/Evan's Blue/Smile Empty Soul show. As I drove, I let a movie play in my head of the years gone by. The first 2 years where hard to think about: The first year I was taking everything in all at once, then the second year is when I was caught up on drugs. It's hard enough to get off of heroin when you're in your 30's, but I was 13 and keeping everything in my life a giant secret. Coming to the realization that I've kept myself strong and off of the drugs for the past 5 years put me in a better place. Of course, I'm not going to let it get to my head. Like I said before, to be all egotistical about songs you've written about that subject or growing your head because you can overcome would be like flautning your shallow days like a fancey piece of jewelry.
Seeing e2e made my day like you wouldn't believe. They are officially my brothers if they can put something else on my mind instead of the obvious. Seeing Salina was also a relief. We were both going through so much, so we just had our long conversations and came to the understanding that we would always be there for eachother. |
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| October Always Wins |
[Oct. 8th, 2006|07:25 pm] |
I can never have an October where something good happens. I'm going through some retarded shit this October. Both Wendy and Tanya are going through my mind at the same time, and I don't want a relationship to begin with. I'm losing alot of blood i my head from being nice to my asshole customers at work. Cotey and Olivia... enough said. And of course, Stephanie and Shelly are just a new thing to add to the book of my life.
So there we have it: 1. 2 girls I don't want won't get the fuck outa my head 2. Unspoken Hero broke up over stupid shit 3. Work blows 4. MY GOD DAMN COUSINS ARE DATING EACHOTHER! 5. Just as I learn to cope with the fact that Stephanie is gone, I find out that she was carrying my daughter, Shelly at the time of her death.
I'll never know for sure if it was a boy or a girl, seeing as she prolly didn't even know she was pregnant, but I just have a strange feeling it was a girl. Prolly because we only had a name for a girl when we had that conversation. It wasn't going to be Michelle, just Shelly. Naming her after Shelly Webster from "The Crow". It was Stephanie's idea of naming her after "the most beautiful part of a story so dark". Considering she never seized to amaze me, I went along with it. She could have lived a happy life or a dark life, but either way, Shelly would have been beautiful. |
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| A Change Is Gonna Come |
[Oct. 1st, 2006|03:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  content | ] |
For the record, I still love E2E, they are one of my favorite beands, I love them all like brothers, and I'll never miss a show. But the thing is, no matter how big a fan I may be, I can't just go forgeting who I am. For the past 3 years, I have been forgeting how to be my own person like I've always been. I always felt like everything I said and did was always my own, but not so much anymore. I would listen to a metal band and hear the frontman scream w/ the emidiate though "Hmm, could Fred out scream them?", and watch them perform and still compare them to one band. I'm not even writing songs like myself anymore.
When I get in my car, I put in a different album everytime, because I want to still live like I always did. I'm a musician who wants to be in your face with what he has to say, that's how I've always been. I love the times I have with e2e, but I tend to catch myself believing that I would be just fine being one of their roadies for the rest of my life and just give up my own music all together. I can't stay that way, I'll be by their sides as much as I can, but after everything that's been happening lately, I have even more to say and I'm not even expressing what I had before.
The summer of 2002 was my time of self discovery. I stole my dad's guitar, moved into a tent for a month, listened to music (Tantric, Linkin Park, Cold, STP ex.), and wrote songs that were true to my mind the entire time. Month after, I moved back home, recorded a piece of shit cd, and sold it on the streets for the rest of the summer. Meeting e2e made me realize I still needed to be even MORE true to myself by playing heavier music, because I was not Counting Crows, I was fucking Cold. And I love them for that, but I can't stay intimidated, because that's not what they were trying to do w/ me.
Now that I realize all of this, I'm still loving everything to do w/ e2e, but at the same time, I want to make a name for myself. Which is why when I'm at band practice w/ Unspoken Hero and the guys start playing "Four Sided Dream" I just get annoyed. Sure, not everyone can be fucked up like me, so it's fine that they want to play it, they don't look at things the same way I do. So I just had to take a short break from them for a while, to clear my head. But I can't wait to see them again, I'm just not gonna move into another tent for another month.
So at least for me, a change is gonna come. With everything I do w/ e2e, I easily show people what I'm into. But now it's time to show them what I can do and what I have to say. |
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| A New Curse |
[Sep. 15th, 2006|02:19 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  guilty | ] |
When something is meaning as much to someone else as it does to me, it almost seems like more of a curse than a gift. Red Eagle's Tune didn't mean as much to the other guys as it did to me, at least not to Jesse and Rj. But Unspoken Hero is like a brainchild to all of us, Me, Dan, Tory, and Jeff. Now I've gotten so close that I almost feel like I cursed this band. The music is great, and I think we're getting our shit together better than we were last year, but I love them like my brothers, and I cursed them.
I'm glad to see Tory is getting his shit together. He's got a job, working on making peace w/ his family, and he's in a relationship that it accually looks like he won't fuck up. I just hope he holds on to all of it. So far 3 out of 4 of us have had ex-girlfriends die. 2 of us have had drug problems in the past. And pretty much all of us have had bottled urges to just go away and leave everything behind.
Sure, some may be thinking "hey, these things happen to anyone". But I never entered these lives w/ any secrets, and I always knew that to some extent it was pointless to tell them these things because you never truely know how they feel till it happens to them. Then it does. Tory better hold on and stop asking me those questions of why, because it's a reason I don't want my little brother to know. As much as I feel this way, the last thing I'll do is leave these guys because of that. We all have our dedicated burns, and that is what will bring any band of friends together, no matter who the curse comes from. |
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